remember ur future!

rookie is literally the best thing on the internet ever and it has played a greatly great part in helping me sort of find myself. this comic really sums up my kind of attitude right now, especially the last 3 pictures:

look at the hands!!!!

what cute knickers.

i like the speech bubble lining.

there are still two more days left of half term. i think i should make my own cutesy collagey comic rather than memorise my four french paragraphs and do maths revision. :-)

pariah

they categorise me as contentious because i can't conform to their conventional culture.
they call me uncanny because it's obvious i haven't been brainwashed by the same bullshit they've been bombarded with since birth.
they've been Programmed to detect those who hAve dodged the effects of this big bRother system. they've been programmed to try to convert the very few who have managed to desert thIs big brother system.
they Are puppets, i am a problem.
they are robots, i am a rodent.
they are macHines, i am a monkey.
yes, i run fast and free, you cannot control me.

i've started this new thing where, if i find a new word i like, i'll write a lil sum'n sum'n using that word. contentious is the word that inspired this poem. i don't even know if i used the word correctly or if the poem makes sense but whatever. i like my poem because i can just imagine some super badass* teenage mi6 girl spy donning all black, living in a futuristic dystopia and being hunted by the government. sort of kim possible meets lauren oliver's delirium (one of my most favourite books in the world) meets 1984 (which i'm yet to read lol).
*badass sounds so ridiculously horrible in a london accent so i never ever say it in real life.

solange my sweetheart

i don't know very much about solange knowles but i'd describe her as a strong sweetheart soldier. i know she has a little son, he's adorable. she's a beautiful beautiful woman and has such a unique, whimsical and interesting image. i like how she seems so confident in who she is and what she does. solange embraces herself and it inspires me so much.

ooh kill em

hey here's a crap quality cutesy picture of me and ma new hurrr :-)

i may look like i'm in pain but it's SHEER JOY

everything is going wrong but we're SO HAPPY!

i don't think anything's going wrong for me right now, i just kind of don't know what to do with my life lol

monday moodboard

stay creative

disillusioned with life

i wrote this last night in the bath:

    i think it's the 20th of october today. i know that it's a sunday because the x-factor results are on and my mum wants me to be watching them with her. i have been 15 for just over a week now and it really is the strangest feeling. i'm trying to work on my articulacy and coherence and good organisation of my thoughts, so the best way i've found i can summarise this feeling is to say that i am DISILLUSIONED WITH LIFE.
    i only know what disillusioned means because we've been learning about germany in history and how germans became disillusioned with the weimar republic in the late 1920s. history is the only subject on my school timetable that i love and that excites me. it is the one lesson which i always leave feeling refreshed and alive because i've been mentally challenged. i've developed recently a completely rational but almost annoyingly constant desire to be mentally challenged. for this reason i cannot watch x-factor with my mum. not only is it ridiculously boring now, but i feel like there's nothing new for me to hear or see. everyone and everything is so samey-samey, which is something i've discovered in more things than i'd like to - hence my general disillusionment with practically everything.

the ability to read awoke in me some long dormant craving to be mentally alive - malcolm x

 this disappointment is unquestionably a product of americanised, media-influenced expectations that i have regrettably been bombarded with over the years. i often wish i could re-do my life right from birth and self-fashion into a sociable, interesting genius of some sort. it's nothing to do with not liking myself (i really like myself), it's rather the knowledge of all my wasted potential. i think i'm a really interesting person, but a major flaw in me is not being able to properly express my interestingness.
obviously, this means that i really really really have to be proactive and personally bring about this CHANGE for myself. my fourteenth year of life was preparation for this, i believe. there's no use waiting for january 1st when each day the sun rises anew. my goal is to get through this last week of school and undergo a massive spiritual, mental, part-physical MAKEOVER throughout/during half term. it will all start by me taking out my extensions on friday after school and washing my hair then cutting off all the relaxed bits!
no matter how daunting, I WILL DO THIS.

monday moodboard

“a huge percentage of the stuff that i tend to be automatically certain of is, it turns out, totally wrong and deluded. here’s one example of the utter wrongness of something i tend to be automatically sure of: everything in my own immediate experience supports my deep belief that i am the absolute center of the universe, the realest, most vivid and important person in existence. we rarely talk about this sort of natural, basic self-centeredness, because it’s so socially repulsive, but it’s pretty much the same for all of us, deep down. it is our default-setting, hard-wired into our boards at birth. think about it: there is no experience you’ve had that you were not at the absolute center of. the world as you experience it is right there in front of you, or behind you, to the left or right of you, on your tv, or your monitor, or whatever. Other people’s thoughts and feelings have to be communicated to you somehow, but your own are so immediate, urgent, infinitely more real.” - david foster wallace, this is water

time flows in strange ways on sundays

petra collins is one of my most favourite people ever and i really love her imaginary film stills and photosets on rookie. they are quite inspiring and when i see them i really want to pick up a camera, grab some friends and go take pictures or maybe even make a short film of them. that would be cool. i've thought about writing and directing my own little t.v series or film one day and it would be nice to make that a reality. maybe like a little youtube thing. :-) i'm so bad at thinking up characters or plots though so idk how that would work lol.

monday moodboard

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:

the earth is 4.6 billion years old. let's scale that to 46 years. we have been here for 4 hours. our industrial revolution began 1 minute ago. in that time, we have destroyed more than 50% of the world's forests.

CRAIGSLIST HOUSESHARE AD:

"i have a garden growing in my shower so you have to use eco-friendly hair products. you will see worms and other insects, and you will occasionally see a spider too but they all help out the ecosystem."

today i

*watched a documentary on youtube about africa called alkebulan
*read pages and pages of the malcolm x autobiography
*reluctantly did my chores: hoovering, taking the bin out, washing up, ironing
*did not make my bed lol
*cried out of frustration at my dad
*talked to my mum on the phone (she's in uganda)
*saw natasha
*revised some science and math
*brainstormed about where i think ideas of love can come from
*read a few rookie articles
*drank hot chocolate
*came up with a really really great idea omg
*did a hell of a lot of learning and thinking

grandkids

there is not one person on this planet that i love more than my nana. i've always known one grandparent only and i feel quite privileged that i was her first granddaughter. :-) i've started to spend lots of time with her or, or at least i always want to. two weekends ago i went to nana's house after school. it took 3 buses and about 2 hours. i enjoyed the journey there. if i wasn't sewing my textiles stuff and being a potential danger to the world, i was looking outside the window or eavesdropping on the conversations of strangers. i remember i heard one woman talking on the phone to someone about their friend who had overdosed the night before. i didn't look behind me because i don't like to blatantly impose on people's privacy (even if my ears are perked up like a dog's) but the man sat next to me did then the lady went to sit upstairs not long after that. i didn't see what she looked like.
when i got to nana's she was so happy to see me and we spent the weekend drinking tea and talking and i think we watched some news, probably bbc and al jazeera. on sunday i left her house early and went to my aunty's church in central london by underground. i love my nana so so much and her company is the easiest to have. maybe that's due to a lifetime of learning. we talked about her mum never teaching her to cook and how she'd go out clubbing from friday to sunday when she lived in uganda and she told me that two of her uncles fought in world war 2 and were really proud of it. she was born in the year it ended. before this year i didn't even know black people had fought in the world wars - i find it crazy that so many did!
i can't remember the exact words now, but nana told me something about how your children will never love you like/as much as your grandkids will because they're always trying to break away from you and be independent. the difference is that your grandkids only know you as a grandparent and so they're more curious. nana has 5 grandchildren now and i think she's proud of us all. we love her so much. the youngest, my nearly 2 year old cousin lauren, really reminds me of nana. i want to have lots of children and lots of grandchildren some day. it must be so beautiful to have a source of happiness that grew inside of and directly comes from you.

eye of the beholder

i think it's so crazy how people's ideas of beauty are so specific. i was listening to my friend the other day talk to someone on omegle about how it's 'disgusting' for a girl to be over 5'5" and i was really shocked. we're both over that height and so are most of the females i know. and girls i know so love to dream of having tall strong boyfriends to cuddle with in winter or something soppy like that. i'm reading malcom x's autobiography and it is so beyond perfect i can't breath. his proposal to his wife made me laugh so much omg, it was so blunt, and his sort of explanation was "i wasn't about to say any of that romance stuff that hollywood and television had filled people's heads with". i'm pretty sure mister x would be very disappointed with today's worldwide state and society in general. hmph.
anyway this is my first blog post as a 15 year old lol. cool.

real men