lou stovall

'a... whispering' by lou stovall. i love the colours and the shapes and the shadows and layers; they say a lot about whispering. :-) i feel like the ellipses in the title provoke the viewer to think what could be whispering. what came to my mind is 'a planet whispering'. my own imagination enhanced the artist's piece, which is the magical thing about expression.

this one is called 'dappled things'. lou stovall works really well with colour.

next is 'gail's garden, spring'. how beautiful. i see lots of naturey stuff in it like supernovae and flora. :-) i love when simple simple stuff like this is so amazing. gail's garden, summer has thinner lines. i wonder if that's because summer has a lighter feel to it.

lastly, on his website, it says "stovall has made a unique effort to build unity among artists in washington, dc [where he lives] and to encourage, by his own example, service in the community." i like that a lot. :-)

death stuffs

apparently catholic funerals aren't supposed to have eulogies because " the actual purpose of the funeral is to pray for the deceased, not engage in a celebration of their life". that is so interesting. my funeral certainly can't be catholic then because it's going to be the biggest celebration of my life. sometimes i think about my funeral and i want it to be like a wedding between me and death. what a strange way to word it lol. i want it to be as colourful and happy as possible. i want there to be good music and food, lots of laughter, as people remember me properly. that would be much more respectful to my memory than silence and sadness and blackness.

anyway i read this poem by grace nichols yesterday called winter thoughts and the last few words are confusing yet slightly make sense ?? :
sex and death
are always at the heart
of living

and my favourite poem so far from grace nichols' book ('the fat black woman's poems', i got it for myself at christmas) is the fat black woman's motto on her bedroom door:

IT'S BETTER TO DIE IN THE FLESH OF HOPE
THAN TO LIVE IN THE SLIMNESS OF DESPAIR

other people

in textiles today a girl was telling me that she was "trying to explain to someone" that i'm not dumb and that i'm actually really smart lol i'm still laughing. can you imagine someone's actually had this conversation about me lool. she also said someone was telling her i'm really good at english ??? i told her that's true. it was so weird because i realised that i actually do exist in more than a physical sense and in other people's lives ?? also other people have memories of me that i don't ??
i remember one time i was on the bus with two of my friends, one of whom was talking to one of her older friends who for no apparent reason told me i look dopey. i shrugged and was confused at the sheer randomness of it all as my friend then tried to explain that i'm "actually really smart".
it's so strange. i wonder how people come to such conclusions about me. i could probably guess but i'm so curious about other people's perceptions.

don't call me beautiful

'i love your hair' by tim okamura

i can relate to this painting so much omg. it's like the girl is sort of happy about your comment but at the same time disappointed. like how and why is that the only thing you've noticed? there are so many answers in her eyes to questions you could ask and there are conversations wrapped in her curls to be unravelled yet that is the best thing you could say?
it's like when someone says you're pretty. of course that is lovely and sweet but there is so much more to me that could be appreciated than just what is on display.

a poem i saw on tumblr:

don't call me beautiful

i don't care

call me intelligent

tell me my laugh is contagious

that i made you smile

tell me i have something to offer

happy

a farmer's kiddies eating in 1940

a couple dancing, 1960

this post reminded me of an assembly the other day about happiness . it said that people in the 60s had less than us, materially and technologically, yet were something ridiculous like 30 fucking per cent happier omfg. i'm not even surprised but holy fuck is this how we're evolving? is this what technology and capitalism and society is doing to us? is this acceptable?!

i think this crisis is really linked to community spirit and a sense of togetherness.

they played this song in the assembly. i hadn't heard it in full before then but i really love it. i wish more songs and videos were like this. :-)

oxford!!

ohhhh my day has been fabulous!! i was chosen to go on a gifted&talented trip to st. peter's college at oxford university and i'm so happy i could go!! i had an amazing day. :-) it's especially good because now i'd really like to apply for the uni when the time is right, which is the exact opposite to what i told my mum a couple of weeks ago. i was trying to talk to her about college and she just kept mentioning how i have to go to oxbridge, which kind of pissed me off because i felt like all she was thinking about is how good that would sound ('ooh look at me i raised a kid who goes to one of the best unis here!'). now i have a better case for why i'd prefer to go to college (she wants me to go to sixth form blegh). anyway, here's how my day went:
i got to school as early as i normally do and read for about 10 minutes in my form room then went to reception and waited for everyone to come. meanwhile i read a lovely piece from i think the guardian newspaper that was on display as the picture of the day about the lost photography of a now dead central african republican guy. a few thousand negatives were found amongst the rubble of his house by two other photographers, which made me think about the importance of photography, especially as a social and historical documentation or artefact, that kind of thing. i think life needs to be recorded so we can learn from it. this was a lovely start to my day. :-)
when everyone arrived we walked to the civic centre and gathered with 3 small groups from other schools in the borough to wait on the coach. i noticed i was the only black girl there lool hashtag represent. when the coach came i sat with two of my friends around a table and we ate haribo gummy bears and skittles and laughed a lot. we stuck together throughout the day. somewhere in the middle of our journey i read a few pages of my book then slept for about an hour. we were at oxford university by about 10.45am.
we had an informative introductory presentation which discussed oxford's teaching systems and its financial and social aspects. then 3 students came and gave us a tour of the college. one studies chemistry and two study PPE (politics, philosophy and economics). they have a chapel which echoes beautifully when the choir sings, has two weekly services and maybe bi-monthly general lectures. the chemist was my favourite student, because he's so geeky and passionate and shy. he kept bending his knees and looking at the chapel ceiling as he told us that tonight he's going to a lecture (there are 5/6 at oxford weekly) about how genetics influence who we are, which is really interesting in itself, and relevant to what i studied in science yesterday. the chemist showed us his bedroom, which was light and tidy and had a wonderful view. he had some really heavy books which he's had from the beginning of the year and keeps renewing (oxford's libraries are amazing!). we then had a really useful and quite humourous q&a with the 3 students, plus one other who studies portuguese and linguistics.
lunch time came and i ate a mexican chicken wrap with chips. as i ate i partly listened to one of the PPEists talk about uni and stuff. but mostly i talked to the language student. she is in her fourth year whereas the others are in their first. she told me that in her 2nd year she got pregnant and took her 3rd as maternity. i was so fascinated. she said it's difficult to balance motherhood and studying but not impossible. however this has made her realise that she would like to work within the university to try and do stuff for women (!!!), not because the uni isn't good, 'it just doesn't understand'. i'm so impressed by that. after lunch the students disappeared, much to my disappointment. we then walked to the computer science department.
we were given a short lecture that was fascinating in content though slightly dull in delivery about the human visual system in relation to computer science - graphics and illusions and technology, that kind of stuff. i really want to look more into it, though not the computer science bit specifically. the lecturer briefly spoke about how people are researching how else we understand the world other than through the 5 senses. and there was a slide about how colour represents different things globally: good luck in china, danger & evil in the middle east and mourning in south africa. next a really petite lady told us about what the department's currently working on:
* making robotic footballers with skills like coordination and balance to develop something that could be helpful in natural disasters
* a model of a human heart which may eventually lead to medics knowing how to model human body parts in order to test on them instead of animals and people
*software as a natural translator, so something on a computer that translates into another language instantly???
there's also one other thing that i unfortunately cannot remember. a different lecturer began talking to us now about calculators and computers and programming, but in really basic terms. i remember it was animated, funny and well presented but the information (cool and useful as it is) was too mathematical for my liking lol.
our last activity was a school,group treasure hunt thing around oxford city centre taking pictures of a given list of things. i didn't take it seriously but in retrospect i think it's a really great way to explore a place. :-) i got a free sample of surprisingly delicious fudge and bought haribos as if i didn't already have some in my bag lol. everyone then got together, filled in a questionnaire and got back on the coach!
on the way back to london a boy (?!!) from a different school sat next to me and me and my two friends literally spoke to him for the whole journey. it was amazing. he was slightly awkward and smart and cool and crazy and interesting - my kind of person. he plays violin and guitar and ukelele omfg. i might never see him again :-( but that was the loveliest end to my day.
it's really surreal that today i literally was actually in oxford university interacting with smart people and i literally got actually told that i'm the kind of student they'd like there. it's really really special to and for me. i wonder if the other students felt that.
i'm so glad at how my day went. it was all about talking and listening and thinking and understanding. i love that kind of thing. :-) i've learnt so much, especially about myself, in this one brilliant experience and i feel so privileged. i'm so thankful.

monday moodboard

solange knowles

jamilla okubo

'explanation kills art'

i disagree with this statement. i think explanation enhances art because it is subjective. especially when loads of people observe / analyse / appreciate the same thing, then come together to have a conversation about what they have taken from it; it can expose you to new perspectives. i believe art should be open to interpretation, but an explanation won't kill it.

this seems off

i feel so silly about the whole deal of school sometimes.
i wake up earlier than my body wants to then i dress up in a uniform i dislike and eat as much - or as little - breakfast as time allows then rush out of my house to catch a bus to catch another bus that will deposit me outside a school where i'll have to move from uncomfortable chair to uncomfortable chair to learn about stuff i don't always quite care about (but maybe would if teachers cared to explain the stuff's relevance to my life). then i wait for ages at a bus stop to get on a bus that will take me to the other bus i need to get home then i get home and eat a lil somethin then do chores then do homework late into the night, hoping i'm doing this school thing right (cos if not then i already fear for what will become of my life.)
none of this seems healthy.
and i'm so scared of being unconsciously molded into this person that i don't want to be with values that may not be true to my nature and not being able to stop it. sometimes i inwardly scold myself for even wanting to take the easy route and the average route and the always-say-yes route. it's so hard to keep strong and keep fighting to be myself. i know i have a warrior spirit but i'm so scared it might fall asleep.

~~~ monday* :-)

today there was a nice assembly about lgbt history month. i noticed there wasn't a q on the end. it made me think of this video i watched over the weekend and looved but didn't finish lol. and they played this nice song called same love which everybody else apparently knew?? lol. i'm still ill and so today was kind of hard to get through but i iz alive!! woo hoo. i spent like an hour doing homework in the library after school today all by myself just me and the librarian. i liked no looved the peace, i got what i needed to done. when i was walking to the bus stop i thought about how much time i spend with myself and i realised i'm nice to be with and think with and even just to be, depending on my mood. i remember i had a nice science lesson. i want to learn about evolution forever and talk with my two very very good friends about life. we're a great group of people.
i'm kind of tired like i want a couple days break from everything but i'll be okay if i just keep strong. i think thinking of laverne cox will get me through. i love her so much. so so much.
oh yeah there was a fight at lunchtime today. my friends and some other girls i know. i didn't see it because i went toilet then to my lesson. i think it was the universe directing me away from negative energy because i don't need it in my life. :-) but there was also a girl in my friend's sociology class today who said white people should be able to say nigger and it's discrimination that they can't. what bullshit. people need to be educated.

GRRR

i'm so inexplicably restless and angry right now i'm so frustrated because i don't know what's going on within me. i should be trying to sleep but i just can't. i tried homework but it pissed me off and i can't read because if i turn on a light i'll piss someone else off. i sort of want to cry but i can't be bothered and also don't see the point idk.
just ugh.