rainbow or rollercoaster

i have experienced and borne witness to such an array of thinga today, and i don't know of it comes together and shines in all its difference or is just an overload and makes me nauseous. rainbow or rollercoaster. lol.

frustration, pride, wonder, nervousness, racism, vulnerability, anger, love, appreciation, hate, confusion, happiness, shock, comedy, betrayal, annoyance, creativity, peace, contentment, instability, boredom, laughter......

the whole human experience compressed into less than 24 hours !!!

what?

i'm trying to think about what i want to do with my life, where i want it to go. i'm trying to figure out what i want to achieve and produce and do.

i'm reading chimamanda ngozi adichie's the thing around your neck which is a book of short stories. i love it so far in all its delicate solidity. it's really inspiring me but i'm unsure of what to do about that.

i saw a girl on instagram who i used to talk to on the bus home from school and she's got a fashion blog and seems so content with what she does and how she does it. it's funny how what we interpret as success in others can make us feel useless. the thing is i don't feel useless i feel like i have many uses... but what are they?

i just want to spend some exploratory time with myself and the sources of inspiration i have in my books, magazines, the internet, my soul... maybe then i will find exactly what may deliver me from this spiritually stationary state.

(i offer this diarylike blogpost as a prayerful call to the universe, that it may respond to me with great and helpful signs and things) 

monday moodboard: i love my area edition 2

SHE DID NOT

REALISE THAT HER BUZZER

WAS BROKEN

UNTIL IT BROKE UP WITH HER

BY TEXT

wonderfull!

my life is going so gr8 rn omfg im lovin myself n feelin myself i can sense hella positivity n knowledge on the horizon of my life I CANT WAIT 2 SEE WHO I BEcome :):)

was gonna call this post what a wonderfull weekend but that wld b a lie cos 2day n yesterday never felt like the end of anythings not even beginnings like of a journey but like the foundation of something...?? like how these days were is how the rest will continue. i havent started something with the hope of acheiving anything... i can visualise what i mean!! lol :)

i can sense my excitement thru my words haha today was gr8 i went to a tabletop sale near my house in the cutest lil building w grafitti outside it had a tiny rickety fairy staircase handpainted doors cute signs everywhere ahhh im surprised by the magic i found there omfg: a £1 papyrus scroll (made in egyptian fashion), a £1 lampshade, a GLORIOUS £2 mirror, pretty £1 pencils (giving some as presents) & a £1.50 card for my uncle n his family (no pic)

i cant remember if ive mentioned i volunteer in a charity shop now but yeah thats where i headed after i bought my beauties:) it was fun today i laughed a lot with the other volunteers emine and iqra they have such special names ayyy n i used the card machine on the till quite adeptly if thats the word or aptly whatevr lool also the customers were 👌👌 my boss (2nd one since i started in september) is just a sweetiepiepie she let me have the 2 books i wanted for freeeee!!! that makes me so happy cos full price they total £16.98 and also omfg the books have so much to teach me i just know ahhh im excited my whole body is excited jfc

i came home had tuna sweetcorn mayonnaise pasta and basically ive been chillaxing doing nothing i went across the road quick n gave my familyfriend the clothes she washed n tumbledried at my  house we chatted chatted then i came home ate a mango now im gonna write in the diary i bought yesterday at the winter festival & market i went to w my youngest bro (i also bought a card for my aunty & earrings for meee (altogether £16 but the stallholders took off £1 for me n took a pic of me cos they like my style lol))

i made instagram yesterday haha it's abondance_

2m is the last of my mocks then me n my gurl r gonna go eat somewhere maybe nandos... cant wait for this term 2 end!!!

life is gud 😎

power

i have immense power. i have the ability to influence the flow of conversations and thus steer people's trains of thought. even if i am objective, observing, i may have stimulated ideas in a person's mind that they may harbour privately. i think one of the most beautiful aspects of people is our way of unknowingly leaving parts of ourselves to grow in different places and different people. sometimes these fragments blossom and flower. sometimes they don't. it's so mad. this realisation of my force is almost frightening. what can i do with it? change the world? hopefully. but changing the world is one complex concept cos change must first start within, then be externalised, gradually. that's probs the hardest part of it tho cos who wants to be patient when they're so conditioned to believe in immediacy as a measure of something's effectiveness...

monday moodboard: i love my area edition

monday moodboard

photos of my friday

da st8 ov da world

i was on the bus the other day sitting next to two girls who were gossiping about stuff and on instagram on their iphones lol childhood rlly is evolving

i heard them talking extremely negatively about another girl they kept calling her so fat and i was hella surprised to hear one say how she's always jiggling i just want to take a knife to her fat wowww :O how twisted!!!

it's disgusting how girl-hate is instilled in girls from so young that by the time we're older it seems too normal to try to unlearn:(( as well as body shaming omfg like even when someone tries to be bosypositive they are slammed for celebrating themselves they are called ugly and undesirable they are sidelined and by consequence SILENCED

i find this mesmerisingly beautiful

i've seen some quotes on tumblr that would go so well with this post but i cba to find them lol one was something about how girls haven't asked for the competition between us that we're expected to have and this upholds patriarchy which is very true and very vulgar i think it's a common tactic employed by those groups who dominate this world to somehow meddle with those beneath them in a way they can't see and that turns them against themselves/each other (lol r they the same thing?) so it looks like these people are the root of their own problems *endlessly sighs @ da st8 ov da world*

i'm a slow thinker

i was placed in some strange situations today like i just didn't know how to deal w them the first was just saddening n the second was hella confusing lol lemme hexplain

so i was in textiles n idk how the convo came about but basically i ended up talking to this girl about transgender people she kept saying she "can't tolerate them" and she can't imagine why you would not want to be what you are born as (i have SO much to say about that) it made me so upset she actually even said "people should be happy i can tolerate gay people and lesbians" cos i kept asking why why why and that tells me that rlly she doesn't accept them it's more like an attitude i've come across before like oh i'll say they're okay for the sake of equality (real actual words i've heard from a real actual "human") THIS IS SUCH A HUGE FUCKING PROBLEM I'M SO ANGRY AND UPSET THAT THE WORLD IS IN A POSITION WHERE PEOPLE'S PERSONAL EXPRESSION AND IDENTITY IS LABELLED AS WRONG BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FIT CONVENTIONAL IDEAS IT DOESN'T REFLECT WHAT THE MAJORITY "VALUES" A.K.A HAS GOTTEN USED TO HOW IS THIS OKAY THAT INDIVIDUAL PEOPLE WITH INDIVIDUAL WANTS AND CIRCUMSTANCES AND NEEDS AND EXPERIENCES ARE CONSTANTLY ABUSED IN THIS WORLD IT IS NOT FUCKING FAIR!!!!!! i really honestly tried to express and defend this but i was overwhelmed by my sadness and also shock because the conviction when she said tolerate was hurtful to me like imagine what actual transgender people must face ugh the pain they must feel so threatened and it's not understandable why don't people fucking step out of themselves and try to see that IT IS OKAY to let people JUST BE as and who they are?!???!??!!!? i just feel to scream and cry rn tbh and the worst thing is we were in the middle of a lesson and my teacher hates it when we talk cos we get distracted which makes sense but it's SO annoying cos our convos are always un-silly and she told me to be quiet JUST as i was coming around to try to explain to the girl why she was being ignorant and exactly what that means but yeah she said something so so bad like it didn't make sense to me at first cos of how she worded it then i understood and just felt to die she was like people have strong  opinions about everything you can't make them change their opinion cos it's their opinion just like how people have opinions about race ARE U DUMBBB SHE BASICALLY IS EXCUSING RACISM AND ALSO USING THAT TO JUSTIFY HER LACK OF HUMANITY OH MY GOD IS LIFE EVEN REAL??????? i tried telling her but opinions can be harmful BUT SHE WAS SPEAKING OVER ME AND IGNORING ME which is hard for me to deal with because not only is she disrespecting a whole group of unique individuals generally but me too on a personal level it kind of kicked my confidence because i'm rlly not a good arguer or debater or fighter i'm not usually confrontational but i can get very defensive it was already so hard for me to experience and i was talking softlybeing patient and common code of conversation she could not follow maybe she took it personally maybe she thought i was attacking her no i was trying to attack an ideology and as i did so i ffelt so responsible for changing the world and i felt to give up and basically i realised that i cannot i am a slow thinker on the spot yes but i will be the voice of the oppressed people of this world i will protect who i can how i can and effect a change because all oppression is connected so my own struggle is related to yours so if i'm fighting for me i'm also fighting for you (i feel so charged)

the other incident of my day was kind of minor in comparison but i feel too drained to write about it and it's also nearly 11.30pm lol so i'll just end this post with a poem i wrote on friday

PROLOGUE TO REVOLUTION: GETTING WOKE

a voice can dicTate

a visceRal respOnse

tO THe picture its

vibrations violently paint

an aroma can send you running

into a race for sovereignty like

a whiff of a treat inspires the starved

to steal JUST/ICE to eat

a face can RECREATE

a taste of PAST GLORY:

a delicacy, a memory so sweet

you almost wish you never ate

that touch will be

the tingle that FINALLY triggers

the explosion that

will set you FREE

candi

last saturday i went to the open day for city and islington which is where i rlly rlly rlly wanna go like i feel like my life will just be on the right track if i go there

i wore an outfit that i'm quite proud of lol it's so me :-)

afterwards i walked to the victoria miro gallery and viewed the exhibition nguva na nyoka which means sirens and serpents by wangechi mutu, a kenyan artist. most of the work was collage and wow they were all textured and eery and rich in colour i looked at them and wondered what they meant then concluded that wangechi mutu was telling me there is so much i don't know about this world and i won't ever be able to communicate with the creatures that do even though we are so connected, invisibly to us but knowingly to them cos they hold humans up and let us believe we are independent lol i try to think a lot when i see art cos i've started going to loads of exhibitions and it's so exciting i'd like to connect with the art/ist and feel like they've shared some knowledge about life with me :-) like there was a 17 minute film by and starring wangechi mutu that was mostly silent and it seemed like a commentary on human origin and behaviour and that there's patterns and processes for everything. there was a bit where she was dancing and it reminded me of me hehehe i like being able to identify with art i. e there was a piece of kitenge in one collage which is like a cloth to wrap around you i have so many and i always want more ha and there were cut outs of an east african wall hanging like the ones in my house and my aunties' houses you know i have to support my peopledem innit haha i felt so special and comfortable in that gallery space

 these pics are from the victoria miro website btw

the above was my favourite collage

the below shows a sculpture that is so scary when you first see it cos of the scale its so long and the darkness of the upstairs room prevents you from knowing what it is, then you see the serenity on the pretty cornrowed creature's face and it's so fucking moving

after the gallery i walked thru the wind to get the one bus that would take me home. i had to be quick cos nobody knew i had gone to the gallery!!! hahaha i've become so daring like that and i enjoy it, this secret (time) with myself it's an indulgence i'm getting used to. i had been taking pictures the whole day buut the best ones were taken in the alleyway near my flats i think cos i hadn't been down it in so long the beauty of the scenery there was just so much i had to preserve it