sadsickstressed

i couldn't go to school today and i'm so annoyed because that means i missed history, which is the only lesson i enjoy and also is a lot of catch up work. the whole of thursday is actually. i feel so shit. yesterday i woke up really late and by the time i left my house at 8.20 there was just soo much traffic and it was raining as well, which always worsens things when you're running late. i take two buses to school and i managed to just miss my second bus and the next one that came was too full to let more people on. cut a long story short, i got to school at 9.50. what a pisstake. i nearly went back home but i just can't deal with all the catch up work. uggghhh. it's so annoying though because if i did go home i probably would have felt alright about going in today, because standing in the cold while it rained for probably half an hour just quickened up the arrival of cold i was starting to get. how convenient.
my aunty came around yesterday after work (she's a teacher) and we stayed up and talked with her till practically midnight lol. how wise considering everyone had work or school the next day. i then went and tried to do some history homework that was due today but i couldn't even concentrate because my throat!!! this pain is unreal. it's like all dry and scratchy and when i cough i want to die. i tried to get into bed but couldn't get comfy and my head was pounding so i went to warm myself some milk. i drank that and it helped a bit but by now it was nearly 1am and just the thought of having to wake up in less than 5 hours to go to school was maddening. i was thinking of going in just for history then coming home but it didn't seem worth it. then i got stressed about school and life and cried a bit and then played some erykah badu really low and it made me feel better then i turned it off and tried singing to myself but my voice sounds even nastier because i'm sick. :-(
i want to read and do homework but i cannot concentrate on anything. i might go into school tomorrow, but i think i'll have to go in at lunchtime. i'm not up to a full day of it, i'll go crazy. :-(

a typical tuesday night

my day has been very emotional, but not in a particularly overwhelming or even noticeable way; it's just that now, as i'm reflecting, i've become aware of how much my brain processes and my heart feels in only a day. it's clearer to me now why i'm often so tired.
this morning i remember being shocked at the tranquil thickness of the fog outside. i remember feeling really refreshed as i quickwalked through a cold breeze into school, and thinking how i'd love to go on a walk somewhere at this time of day (it was still kind of dark and peaceful-quiet like when a child has just fallen sleep).
a relatively little while later, one of my friends walked into the form crying really hard and she clumsily collapsed into her seat and i tried to hold her hand because no words could crawl out my mouth but it didn't really work then she said i can't even look at you and hid behind her bag and my only reaction was to feel her sadness with her in the hope that it would go away quicker. i'm no good at displaying affection - especially when i feel it intensely. i later heard her say (though i don't think i was supposed to) but why did my dad have to hit me like that? and it made my heart drop. our friends came in and made her laugh again and i swear it was like seeing a rainbow. she looked beautiful but i didn't want to tell her in case she thought i was just being nice cos she was sad so i didn't.
during my history lesson a teacher walked in and asked me to see her after. i couldn't think what i'd done lol but it turned out one teacher complained i'm rude and have an attitude problem so we talked it out and i didn't mind because she wasn't patronising about it. she even reminded me that teachers are human which i do admittedly sometimes forget. she told me how when a teacher already thinks you are a problem, it's like focusing on a spec of dust that really bugs you but everyone else just walks past and doesn't see the problem with. i understand now, but i do wish staff would be more willing and available to talk like that without a teacher having to have an issue first.
all that as well as the varying emotions i've felt in each lesson today as well as since i got home has been pretty much. i really need to sort my life and myself out like now, but it's not like facebook where you can just de- and re-activate when it suits you so my current disorganisation and confusion looks like it won't go away.
this is all so weird. the world should just revolve around me when my emotional state gets fragile like this.

monday moodboard

it doesn't feel very much like a monday.

'feminism for teenagers'

 i got this very helpful book from my school library the other day. i've been going there a lot lately, after school with my friends. we get homework done but mostly chat.

 it's called feminism for teenagers and it's written and illustrated by sophie grillet. i haven't read a feminist book like this before. i want to read more now.

 there are different and important perspectives in the book and i really like it. it talks about men in relation to feminism though i'm still not sure if it's okay for men to be feminists (i think it should be but idk) because the book says for the purpose of this book, a feminist is a woman who has actively sought and fought for rights for women.

 there are three white girls on the cover of the book but lots of differently coloured people inside. that makes me happy (look at that smile lol) but i wish it was more obvious from the cover.

of course the suffragettes are mentioned, along with other political women and queens and stuff. like cleopatra, who has a speech bubble thing saying typical of your male-dominated age that i'm most famous for being in love with anthony and looking like elizabeth taylor, rather than for ruling egypt.

mandela monday :-)

we had an assembly about nelson mandela this morning and i really liked it. normally assembly is boring as hell but i like it when we learn or hear about things, people, events that matter and and are important and relevant. i think it's crazy that i then just saw the above picture (of a guy washing the sign off a university wall) on my tumblr dashboard. stuff like that happens a lot in my life. a history teacher took assembly this morning and demonstrated how madiba touched so many lives and influenced so much. i had tears in my eyes at one point because amy winehouse singing free nelson mandela was played and so much death is the first thing that came into my mind. i love her little quirks, like how she kept gripping her skirt as she sang. :-) i don't think there can ever be another nelson mandela and i hope no one tries, but more importantly that such a figure is never again needed. 

i'll see you next lifetime

self

it's my friend's birthday today so i made her a little book of my poetry. i hope she likes it. i do lol.

i'm so tired. i couldn't sleep till about 5 this morning :-(

i hope my first day back is bearable.

11:20am

do i look hip hop 

do i look cute

i'm in my room. i just drank a cup of tea. it was nice. i'm able to drink it without so much sugar anymore. yesterday my salt n pepa cd blacks' magic came and i'm listening to it now. I LOVE IT SO MUCH OH MY GOD! i never knew salt n pepa were so amazing and feminist and positive and empowering omg yay.


i look cute today because i haven't been in the best of moods lately. been thinking too much. i'm going to my nana's in a bit and i'll sleep there one or maybe two nights. i go back to school on monday. i start at 10.30 but that doesn't make up for the fact that i go back to school on monday. yay. :-\

11:34am