ooh kill em

hey here's a crap quality cutesy picture of me and ma new hurrr :-)

i may look like i'm in pain but it's SHEER JOY

everything is going wrong but we're SO HAPPY!

i don't think anything's going wrong for me right now, i just kind of don't know what to do with my life lol

monday moodboard

stay creative

disillusioned with life

i wrote this last night in the bath:

    i think it's the 20th of october today. i know that it's a sunday because the x-factor results are on and my mum wants me to be watching them with her. i have been 15 for just over a week now and it really is the strangest feeling. i'm trying to work on my articulacy and coherence and good organisation of my thoughts, so the best way i've found i can summarise this feeling is to say that i am DISILLUSIONED WITH LIFE.
    i only know what disillusioned means because we've been learning about germany in history and how germans became disillusioned with the weimar republic in the late 1920s. history is the only subject on my school timetable that i love and that excites me. it is the one lesson which i always leave feeling refreshed and alive because i've been mentally challenged. i've developed recently a completely rational but almost annoyingly constant desire to be mentally challenged. for this reason i cannot watch x-factor with my mum. not only is it ridiculously boring now, but i feel like there's nothing new for me to hear or see. everyone and everything is so samey-samey, which is something i've discovered in more things than i'd like to - hence my general disillusionment with practically everything.

the ability to read awoke in me some long dormant craving to be mentally alive - malcolm x

 this disappointment is unquestionably a product of americanised, media-influenced expectations that i have regrettably been bombarded with over the years. i often wish i could re-do my life right from birth and self-fashion into a sociable, interesting genius of some sort. it's nothing to do with not liking myself (i really like myself), it's rather the knowledge of all my wasted potential. i think i'm a really interesting person, but a major flaw in me is not being able to properly express my interestingness.
obviously, this means that i really really really have to be proactive and personally bring about this CHANGE for myself. my fourteenth year of life was preparation for this, i believe. there's no use waiting for january 1st when each day the sun rises anew. my goal is to get through this last week of school and undergo a massive spiritual, mental, part-physical MAKEOVER throughout/during half term. it will all start by me taking out my extensions on friday after school and washing my hair then cutting off all the relaxed bits!
no matter how daunting, I WILL DO THIS.

monday moodboard

“a huge percentage of the stuff that i tend to be automatically certain of is, it turns out, totally wrong and deluded. here’s one example of the utter wrongness of something i tend to be automatically sure of: everything in my own immediate experience supports my deep belief that i am the absolute center of the universe, the realest, most vivid and important person in existence. we rarely talk about this sort of natural, basic self-centeredness, because it’s so socially repulsive, but it’s pretty much the same for all of us, deep down. it is our default-setting, hard-wired into our boards at birth. think about it: there is no experience you’ve had that you were not at the absolute center of. the world as you experience it is right there in front of you, or behind you, to the left or right of you, on your tv, or your monitor, or whatever. Other people’s thoughts and feelings have to be communicated to you somehow, but your own are so immediate, urgent, infinitely more real.” - david foster wallace, this is water

time flows in strange ways on sundays

petra collins is one of my most favourite people ever and i really love her imaginary film stills and photosets on rookie. they are quite inspiring and when i see them i really want to pick up a camera, grab some friends and go take pictures or maybe even make a short film of them. that would be cool. i've thought about writing and directing my own little t.v series or film one day and it would be nice to make that a reality. maybe like a little youtube thing. :-) i'm so bad at thinking up characters or plots though so idk how that would work lol.

monday moodboard

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:

the earth is 4.6 billion years old. let's scale that to 46 years. we have been here for 4 hours. our industrial revolution began 1 minute ago. in that time, we have destroyed more than 50% of the world's forests.

CRAIGSLIST HOUSESHARE AD:

"i have a garden growing in my shower so you have to use eco-friendly hair products. you will see worms and other insects, and you will occasionally see a spider too but they all help out the ecosystem."