today

sometimes i find it a bit pointless to go to school because nearly every lesson is me sitting on a weird plastic chair with my elbows on the hard table, sometimes zoning out or trying to understand even though i feel like crying. like maths today. that was a really frustrating lesson because my teacher just sat at the front checking people's homework after 'explaining' what we were doing for like 2 minutes, if that. it was much harder than she said it would be - according to literally everybody - and the last two maths teachers i've had seem to forget that my little 14 year old brain isn't so capable of understanding complex things like their adult brains can, even if i've always been in top set. i still struggle. french is such an annoying lesson and i literally give up with it. i want to do well in my gcses but that want is already eating up at my passion for some subjects and it's really sad sad sad. i was rubbing my eyes in french today and my teacher noticed. i told her my head was hurting but really it was my eyes because i sit at the front and the interactive white board screen is so bright and always on and so huge in front of my face. i seriously hate it and i really would rather learn a language orally or just from a textbook.
in english today we spent the whole lesson doing the starter task *insert angry fuming exploding face* and i'm developing a strong dislike for my teacher (who is also my year head so it's hard to complain to her about her), which is in danger of spreading to a disinterest in the subject. :-( i really miss my old teacher, like so much it hurts, and she's in AUSTRALIA and i miss just seeing her SMILE at me in the corridor and LIKING and APPRECIATING me/my work. teachers like that are rare and i regret that i sort of took advantage of that in the two years i had her, but this is in hindsight and when is that ever useful? oh gosh, look how i've rambled. i meant to say that my starter task today was really well written from an unconventional perspective, but when i read it out my teacher only pointed out the negatives she saw (she did the same with everyone else), like how it was 'unrealistic', even though the task said 'IMAGINE'. *insert angry fuming exploding face* i really felt like saying something about how she wasn't being very nice to people when they'd produced quite lovely work but it's really scary because i don't know what the consequences will be and my voice is likely to falter and i'm just scared of being a bit brave. *internally sighs* it's crazy how she just talks about what seems irrelevant and doesn't notice how many people dig under their nails or scratch their heads or rest against walls with their eyes closed. i just don't think she's very good for a teacher of a creative subject, considering that she literally said today 'i need to understand that you know what you should be writing' as if it makes sense to cap the creativity of children.
i want to keep writing and ranting but i really cannot be bothered. the screen is quite white and bright and  i have homework to get out of the way. i'm 15 in a few weeks and i've come to realise life won't suddenly get any less boring just because i've been alive a year longer. my mum is really intent on me celebrating it but i just want to do nothing. except maybe go to ikea and buy a cactus.