last night i was randomly thinking about domestic abuse in homosexual relationships so i googled it. naturally, i read what first came up: an article from the guardian (one of my favourite online newspapers). it makes me so sad to read that "most of the abuse goes unreported as homosexual people worry that homophobia will cause more problems". how horrible and frightening is that? people's lives are in danger but can't even try to get help because they're scared of being hurt even more, it's sick. i'd never even thought about how domestic abuse is so often portrayed as a heterosexual thing.
a couple of weeks ago i was at my friend's house and we watched the colour purple on her laptop (i didn't know oprah was such a good actress!). there is domestic violence in the film and my friend said to me that she doesn't know why people make such a big deal out of men hitting women, and something about how sometimes people just need to be put in their place. i don't agree with or even understand that statement but i couldn't coherently form an argument so i said nothing (this happens too much). i want to talk to her about it more. i think it's really important to be able to maturely discuss controversial stuff with people you care about, it can teach you to respect other people's opinions.
anyway, on a lighter note, yesterday my family was watching holby city and the episode ended with a scene of two black men kissing. it was hilarious to see my dad so uncomfortable and i burst out laughing when he got annoyed that my mum didn't change the channel so my younger brothers wouldn't have to see. she replied that it's just real life. :-)
i've recently read the flappers series by jillian larkin and now i'm reading the songbird with the sapphire eyes by anna brentwood. they're both set in the 1920s (an era i'm slowly becoming obsessed with) and i find them really great, they're kind of similar, though the latter is more adult. one of the things that really interests me is that they both touch on the really sexist attitudes society seemed to have back then. females were expected to be really submissive and silent and homely and pretty. there's not much wrong with that if it's what someone wants to be, but i think it's really unfair that women were expected to wait around for a man and never been in charge of her own life. like it seemed outrageous for a woman to smoke cigarettes in public but men could go to places and be offered cigars. if she wasn't being 'ladylike' and 'proper' it was as if she had no morals and had completely let go, lol please. apparently even showing your knees was indecent idgi. it sucks that people still hold these old fashioned and nonsensical beliefs (not the knees stuff i hope) and all these double standards and expectations. i can't comprehend it.
"any fella lets a dame go first is asking for trouble, kid. doing that, you dangerously undermine the fact that men are superior and that kind of crap gives women the notion they're better." - johnny gallo, the songbird with the sapphire eyes (i want to shoot him lol)
last night i went to see lana del rey at hammersmith apollo with my cousin marilyn. i had a pretty great time, lana's such a precious angel face oh my. i didn't take any pictures or videos, i just wanted to try and watch lana and enjoy the music - which i did, and it was nice. i stood somewhere in the middle of the standing area and my view was quite alright if i avoided looking through people's camera screens. it smelt of beer and salty popcorn and people but i didn't mind so much. my cousin sat down on the little bit of carpet we were on because apparently someone behind us was smoking something and she felt lightheaded (i was too busy swaying to notice). i felt kind of alone because i don't think she enjoyed it so much, but when lana sang summertime sadness marilyn held my hand from the floor and it was a sweet comfort while i sort of danced. i'm listening to that song now and of course it's lovely but i'm not in the same room as lana and it sounds distant idk. it didn't feel real last night, watching lana my baby doll pouting and singing and being all cutesy up on stage, but now i wish i could've stayed all night and eventually the crowd would thin until it was just us and she was practically singing to me. it was a pretty intimate venue i think, it was all dark and misty. lana had palm trees and an all female string quartet and an all male band (guitar, piano, drums) and two lions on either side of the stage (i wish they were real omg). she kept bending down to drink what looked like a milkshake and she walked in front of the stage a few times; to sing without you and take pictures and collect flowers and letters etc. it all showed on the big cinema screen at the back of the stage. lana's singing was so flawless and she looked really pretty. i definitely want to see her live again someday. she looked so happy to be singing for people and i love to see that. i don't sound very enthusiastic or excited when i talk about the concert, i didn't get much of a buzz from it, but i did enjoy it. maybe it's because lana's very shy and slow and soft and sad, she mainly walked up and down the stage. she did say that she never really has much to say on stage but she was glad to be there with her friends, and i don't even know if you can get any cuter than that.
it's may and there's a confusing perpetual autumnal breeze that keeps blowing dainty dandelions about. on saturday i finished reading jane eyre and since then i've read the kite runner by khaled hossaini and vixen by jillian larkin. now i'm reading ingenue, the sequel. i have science tests to revise for so i blowdried my hair and ate chocolate because that's going to help. we danced the charleston in p.e today and my mum and i might go to watch the great gatsby on saturday. i want to be a reckless flapper and get away from this dull life i'm hardly living. at least the week is nearly over.
last friday a holocaust survivor came to my school and gave a talk about his experiences during world war 2. his name is zigi shipper and he is a cute, short 83 year old who walks with a slight hobble. he smiles and laughs and jokes when he's not being serious and is surprisingly positive and playful/flirtatious (lol seriously). at one point he spoke polish to one of my classmates because he doesn't often get the opportunity. he speaks german and yiddish too and his english is amazing. zigi is proud to be 100% british, which he says he is because he chose to come and live here. obviously his tale was very moving but he never cried. i wasn't surprised because i guess he had sort of numbed to the pain of his story after telling it so many times, like he numbed to the beatings he got at auschwitz-birkenau extermination camp just for being jewish. when he was there in 1944 he was separated from his grandma who had brought him up and stripped of everything: all zigi had was a set of pyjamas and the prisoner number 84303. the biggest regret he has is not being given the chance to put his arms around his grandma and say thanks for bringing him up. the saddest part is that she died on the day her camp was liberated. :-( zigi saw lots of death and lost his faith several times during the war, but now he definitely believes in God. luck was on his side back then; he had typhoid and survived without medicine or even knowing what disease he had - it was his friends who stuck with him and gave him strength. zigi shipper's last message was to never hate anyone because it ruins your life and eventually you will hate everybody. he doesn't forgive the nazis for what they did because that is for God and the dead to do but he hates nobody. i got teary eyed throughout his speech but the tears didn't come until he bent down and kissed my friend's forehead (she was sat crying in the front row) then said 'i hope i don't go to prison for that' omg. also he became a great-grandad 2 weeks ago! :-)
i feel like a little kid writing about this but there have been some really perfect moments today. i've just felt really okay and that is so nice.
before school i went to the shop with my friend and she bought polos and gave me one. we got to a a road whose name we couldn't pronounce where a right turn would take us to school (we were less than 5 minutes away), but i spontaneously suggested that we turn left and walk around for a while. i had never been in that area before but it seemed pretty and school was the last place i wanted to be. this friend is the best person to go on a mini adventure with and talk to. i remember when it snowed lightly a few months ago we'd lie in the school playground and look up at the sky making snow angels and talking about life, then go on a skate up and down and everywhere. on this walk today we noticed all that we could:: 3 cats (the first was black and scary and crept about, the second was black too with literal limes for eyes and it stared a lot, the third was chubby and a dirty white but we didn't see its face), a bright red postbox, flowers hanging in baskets, people's cute gardens with fresh cut grass and deep purple tulips as dark as dried blood, tiny trees next to tinier trees, fake butterflies and patterned stickers on bins, bunting and ornaments hanging in latticed windows, dirty vintage cars and caravans and carved gates and painted garden doors and garage doors, the distant sound of a church bell, dead and dying and blooming flowers, interesting door knockers and doors and bricks (there was a house with a red layer then a cream layer then a brown layer like an ice lolly), a large house made into a nursery where ribbons hung from a short tree, a very cool man riding an expensive-looking, very cool motorbike and so many amazing things that i wish i could remember and i wish i could've filmed and photographed but it would've been distracting. i won't remember every detail of this walk for a long time but i'll remember that i felt really enchanted by the quiet of the morning and i had a good time with my friend and i wasn't aware of the time so i didn't feel rushed. we walked for about 40 minutes. i found 2 flowers on the ground (the same kind - one dead, one alive) then held them in my bare hands even though my fingers were freezing off and i kept them with me most of the day. the petals mostly fell off and now they're crushed in the bottom of my school bag, along with the bunch of now-dead blossoms i picked from a tree and wore in my hair.
a garden of such beauty that the flowers seem to grin
claire boucher and kathleen hanna have been sexually assaulted before. they're beautiful and interesting people and musicians, i respect them both so much. i've read that kathleen hanna has some sort of disease and so does grimes but i can't remember what exactly. there's no point to this at all. yesterday me and my mum went to bicester village. they have the loveliest crepes there, i always get the one with maple syrup and sugar mm. i like the dirty-pretty-wasted feel to these images. happy bank holiday lol (i have a cold and today is going so slowly omg).
if i could speak french fluently i don't think i'd ever shut up. anyway i have two flowers growing in a pink flower pot in my bedroom. my mum bought it reduced for about £1.80 and they came, already kind of tall, clipped to these sticks. i found that kind of cruel so i've let them grow in their slanted way and be free. i'm quite surprised that they've lasted for over a week in my lazy care haha. the last time i tried to look after flowers was for the daffodil competition in year 5 or 6. it was growing to look quite lovely then my mum threw it away about a week before we had to take them back to school omg. i was so mad, i nearly cried. recently i bought this book, the language of flowers, and i plan to read it soon, like in a couple of months. it sounds interesting and i hope it is omg. if i was interested at all in a career in science i'd probably like to do botany but it's all too complicated for a simpleton like me.
this week i've worn a ponytail in my hair and wrapped my hairband around a leaf at some point during the school day. my friend said it looked like a marijuana leaf. so many people have called me weird and asked why and i usually said i'm the earth princess or something silly like that. i felt a bit mean picking the leaves from a bush outside one of the maths room's windows but i just wanted to feel kind of special; my intentions were good. :-)
