big tings

my dad told me not to wear 'a short short' skirt today unless i had a 'long jacket' over it lmao silly guy

i was going with my familyfriend to her school's open evening and he tried tell me i've been going out too much which is just stupid cos a) all i've been going to is open days and b) why would i even want to stay home all day every day cha it's too much for my head (everything is atm tbh)

anyway the school really impressed me man the history department was just soo on point like they're thinking of teaching african kingdoms 1400-1800 next year and it's the first time this course will be taught in the country omfg this is HUMUNGOUS M8, MAHOOOSIVE arrrgghhhh i love history so much i think i'm gonna do a history degree at uni, maybe with english too cos that's a beautiful subject which also seems fabulous at my friendcousin's school

i've just just finished writing my current history essay and it made me exhausted wow but i'm extremely proud of myself man i tried v v hard to be organised about it and write something great so hopefully my mark reflects that but i'd rlly like some constructive feedback still cos i acc feel unsure about my essay writing like i'll say what i want to and think it's fine but then mark schemes and examiners think differently lolol

in p.e this morning i played basketball and i was surprisingly good in terms of my scoring and i actually enjoyed the game even though my playing skills were not as refined as most other people's like my team one and i contributed significantly to that hahaha :-) joyful joyful

oh and the best bit of my day was my soulmate's reception of a poem i wrote hehe she showed some of our friends and it was crazy how they loved it so much lmao i'm still gassed ahhh my friends are the best part of school

wonderfull

my monday has been very literally wonderfull and awesome. i took ages to get out of bed, partly cos i was mesmerised by 3 small blinking balls in my sky that were maybe stars maybe planets. i tried to take a picture but they didn't show. my day started well and with minimal revision for my english exam, special k with soya milk and a bit of tumblr. when i left home i saw the moon embedded in the bright blue above my head and got the train to school. i got off and saw a girl and a boy i know, smiled said good morning and thought to walk with them when i awkwardly realised they weren't really talking to me and just carried on my way. it felt very american-coming-of-age-film lool. approaching the gates i saw one of my friends and her dilemma of the day at 8.30am was that she'd forgotten her favourite pen in which her examconfidence lived poor thing.

very strongly and deeply i feel that my english writing exam was beautifully executed this morning. the first question was to write an agony-aunt-type letter which was nice cos i'm good at giving advice but challenging cos the scenario was difficult to respond to in a way i think i was expected to but even this was vague. the second question was a choice   between descriptive, narrative and argumentative/discursive. i chose the latter in the form of would you enjoy being one of the following: a teacher, a police officer or a doctor? out of 6 questions it most urgently resonated with me so i responded with vigorous passion. i hope whichever examiner is blessed with my paper to mark is receptive enough to acknowledge my love for english and grade me with a mark to reflect that. whatever happens though i am so proud of my effort today.

above are some pics i secretly snapped in textiles after lunchtime of a palette, paintbrushes and a water pot. orange is one of my favourite colours.

i used to think i was the strangest person in the world but then i thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways i do. i would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. well, i hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true i'm here, and i'm just as strange as you. FRIDA KAHLO.

lunchtime was a big big madness. i sat with my friends and i don't know how the discussion got so deep cos we started off crying and falling off tables and chairs with laughter recounting funny stories then my soulmate started reading and explaining in simple terms some of her poetry (http://wordednudity.wordpress.com) and we clicked and wooed for her which was fun. we got into deep discussions about the state of the world and how we feel about stuff whichwas relieving cos we learnt how shared our frustration is.

there's been a few shit parts of my day but i'm really okay. after school i went to the library with my soulmate and we helped each other out with work and talked about life on a more personal level than our discussion earlier. i love her so much man. we connect on a level that could be scary but i just embrace it. i also just bought her birthday present on society 6 for her birthday in 2 months (free shipping 2night only!!!). i'm so sure the universe guided me to that website for that reason cos i don't like spending £££ even when i have. i'm stingy like that.

DID YOU KNOW THAT (apparently) the american gov. in the early 2000s trained people in afghanistan to a c.i.a level to spy on and torture their own people which is just manipulative cos then america went in and declared a fucking war on terror (for resources????!???!) kmt i don't remember exactly what my friends told ne but it was something like this

today has been positively productive educationally regarding school life but most importantly my personal life. i feel enriched. i hope my dreams reflect that tonight. i need to rest well cos 11th november is always a conflicting day for me...

THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE TELEVISED!!!

i started volunteering at a charity shop in stoke newington around the beginning of september and i do all day every sunday. afterwards today i walked up to the dalston beyond retro and tried on jeans that themselves were fabulous but didn't fit me right. i don't own any jeans atm lol what is my life. anyway so my unsuccessful shop resulted in a successful find in a free magazine called beat that was piled on the floor by the door on my way out with other leafletty things. it was a poster for supreme the brand of a male model posed in front of some grafitti of gil scott-heron's face and words THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE TELEVISED. it was beautiful. i think maybe the universe only guided me to that shop for that poster because now it's cellotaped to my wardrobe door above a bought piece of art by aboudia (£6, saatchi gallery).

i feel so alone on a friday night

my english reading exam was quite alright today. i had fun doing the question on writer's effects but not a lot of time. i feel confident about it all though. i'm hoping to fucking smash the writing exam on monday morning even more. :-)

school felt so pointless after the exam i just wanted to go home. me and my friends spent our breaks dancing to hip hop and reggae, it was so fun and relaxing i love them man.

after school i went on a date with 2 of my best friends to this tea room in palmer's green that we passed on the bus one day and said would be nice to go to. i bought a nice hot chocolate and choc fudge cake which was just nasty it didn't even taste of chocol8 lmao. the waiter put some lovely cream and sprinkled something else chocolatey like a powder next to it tho. that was sweet.  the interior of the place was so beautiful and warm: brick walls, wooden tables, art on the walls ahhh i want to revise there when exams come.

my girls and i has the most interesting discussion we were talking about ourselves like how we've developed and about life and the world and our parents' expectations and our futures and THE UNPREDICTABILITY OF LIFE!!! it got so deep like we were basically thinking aloud like we barely looked into each other's eyes (but when we did i knew they were listening and they are my true friends and they respect me)

i've been thinking a lot about respect this week. despite what google says i've decided that respect is the recognition of a person's basic right to be treated with decency and compassion too sometimes. like this morning a girl i used to speak to a lot was walking into school with her friend but still said hi to me. it made me smile so much cos it was such a nice unexpected gesture. so nice. and when i was omw home from the tearoom at the bus stop a guy asked me if i wanted to sit down on the bench and he made space for me which was just so lovely cos i never asked him he just read my body language and i wasn't even facing him. so nice. i love the feeling of being respected and i treasure it a lot which is sad cos it shows the unfortunate rarity of respect in this world. :-(

i titled my post what i titled my post cos since i've been home that's basically how i feel. my parents have been annoying me and i have loads of school work and i'm so tired and i cried a couple times a bit earlier but idk what upset me??? i rlly don't know. probs just the feeling of my whole future pressing on my head. i didn't want to cry any more so i started writing this.

10pm on the dot now.

10.25pm

i'm feeling rlly weird rn so sensitive i'm thinking about school a lot and it's not been the best place to be lately, i've grown to hate it tbh it makes me so agitated and angry like i snapped at my english teacher the other day in front of the whole class O.o i'm just annoyed cos the situation itself was soo ridiculous but moreso cos i don't remember getting that angry that quickly in front of people before :/:/:/ especially at school oh lard it was horrid

i have an english language exam tomorrow morning then one on monday (plus a whole other shitload of work and revision kmt the inconvenience!!!) so either in between or after all this nonsensically 'important' nonsense i'll make some time to write about the ideas in my head and the cool kinda reckless things i'm up to these days lol :):):)

i've lightened my own mood haha i might make some hot chocolate and read mister pip (for english) if i can't sleep soon enough

10.37pm now xx

GUESS WHO'S BACK BACK BACK!!!!

wow this is weird and also v v exciting omg i think i'm going to start blogging again!!! my life is so interesting at the moment cos i'm experiencing so many new things. i'm 16 now so the world views me differently. i've got to document this. :-)

conventional doesn't mean correct

it all started when we were watching the voice. (do i sound dramatic lool) james byron, a contestant, walked out. i said oh i love him! because his talent is just wow. my aunty sitting next to me had quite a horrid reaction i think. she said what is that?! with disgust in her voice and he's just confusing the situation. james has dead straight hair and a really pretty face (he looks like sophie ellis bextor). he's so slim and shy and wears make up and red lipstick. my mum and aunty didn't even want to believe that he was a man.

my mum was saying oh there’s no boundaries anymore and something about how the norm’s no longer the norm. :-/ what really pissed me off is when she said something like oh with this gay thing and this muslim thing. it seems like she’s saying that there should be limits as to how a person decides to harmlessly express themselves. why do people feel like everybody lives just to make them feel comfortable? it’s such a double standard because the same people would like to live their lives exactly how they want, when sometimes they walk in an ignorance and a closed mindedness that is harmful to others.

i walked into the room and heard my aunty say and then they want to say we’re closed minded as if that’s not what it is. i don’t want to be judgemental, especially of people i love, i just want to criticise a way of thinking that too many people are comfortable in. i believe it’s wrong.

I’ve come to understand that when a trans woman is called a man, that is an act of violence. - Laverne Cox