disillusioned with life

i wrote this last night in the bath:

    i think it's the 20th of october today. i know that it's a sunday because the x-factor results are on and my mum wants me to be watching them with her. i have been 15 for just over a week now and it really is the strangest feeling. i'm trying to work on my articulacy and coherence and good organisation of my thoughts, so the best way i've found i can summarise this feeling is to say that i am DISILLUSIONED WITH LIFE.
    i only know what disillusioned means because we've been learning about germany in history and how germans became disillusioned with the weimar republic in the late 1920s. history is the only subject on my school timetable that i love and that excites me. it is the one lesson which i always leave feeling refreshed and alive because i've been mentally challenged. i've developed recently a completely rational but almost annoyingly constant desire to be mentally challenged. for this reason i cannot watch x-factor with my mum. not only is it ridiculously boring now, but i feel like there's nothing new for me to hear or see. everyone and everything is so samey-samey, which is something i've discovered in more things than i'd like to - hence my general disillusionment with practically everything.

the ability to read awoke in me some long dormant craving to be mentally alive - malcolm x

 this disappointment is unquestionably a product of americanised, media-influenced expectations that i have regrettably been bombarded with over the years. i often wish i could re-do my life right from birth and self-fashion into a sociable, interesting genius of some sort. it's nothing to do with not liking myself (i really like myself), it's rather the knowledge of all my wasted potential. i think i'm a really interesting person, but a major flaw in me is not being able to properly express my interestingness.
obviously, this means that i really really really have to be proactive and personally bring about this CHANGE for myself. my fourteenth year of life was preparation for this, i believe. there's no use waiting for january 1st when each day the sun rises anew. my goal is to get through this last week of school and undergo a massive spiritual, mental, part-physical MAKEOVER throughout/during half term. it will all start by me taking out my extensions on friday after school and washing my hair then cutting off all the relaxed bits!
no matter how daunting, I WILL DO THIS.