i was going to write a long post about all the interesting things i saw at the airport yesterday. me and my mum went to pick my nana up and it was so nice to see her. she was in uganda from october and it was so long without her being here. the one thing i saw which i want to write about is the man i saw who looked like he could've been a rockstar in the 70s. he wore sort of faded jeans and a tee shirt and blazer, with sunglasses and his hands in his pockets. my mum said he looked like either the drummer or guitarist of the rolling stones, i can't remember now. we were at heathrow waiting by the international arrivals. a lady came out and the top half of her spiky hair was dyed a periwinkle blue, the other half being dark blonde. i could tell straight away that she was with the rockstar guy. i really wonder what they looked like when they were younger.
today i'm very tired and my mum keeps asking me to do little things and getting mad at me. i'm not sure why i'm getting angry back but it's staying inside me and going nowhere and i keep getting teary eyed. today i watched mermaids. it's a lovely film, winona ryder and cher are perfect. i'm reading a certain age by rebecca ray and i don't like it too much but it's getting better. the cover is pretty. i'm also in the process of plaiting my bratz doll's whole head, it keeps me really calm. as does blues music and spoken word poetry, both of which i've listened to tonight. in about an hour i'm going to watch a beyonce documentary on bbc 1. i might make a post about it. i don't know why i feel so strange today, it's probably a hormonal thing. i want to lie in bed with the lights on so i don't fall asleep in total silence, but the washing machine is on.
i went on a school trip today. we went by train and i love trains. it was a creative writing workshop. i found the actual activities very boring but the wallace collection - where it was - really is amazing. the rooms and furniture were so beautifully decorated and intricate. i have to go again someday without school so i can walk around at my own pace. i got chosen because i'm on the school newspaper team which is quite small. i don't like going to the meetings because most of the girls are really snobby and smart and look down on people. i'm happy i'm not like that. i'm not going to school on wednesday because i want to pick my nana up from the airport instead. it's the easter holiday after that. i got about 3 hours of sleep last night and the moon wasn't even out. today was an okay monday.
i saw this video on twitter first then rookie's tumblr. i really think it should be called 'dirty grrrls' haha. it really is one of the best things i've ever watched. it's amazing when young people are really passionate and know lots about something, but when they're looked down upon it bugs me so much. being young doesn't mean somebody is unintelligent. if anything it's pretty cool that they're serious about things that matter and understand it. i'm starting to become really interested in the whole riot grrrl movement and i want to know more about it, as well as feminism. i'm aware of them but not too informed on the subjects - nobody has ever really told me about them really. i'm not sure what to say about the video, but if you have 17 minutes to spare then i think you should watch it.
he's lazy and moody and stubborn and doesn't care and would rather just laugh about it and basically i'm in love. do you ever just fall in love with parts of person? watching this really chill interview was nice. i didn't know that kurt cobain was ever quite poor but it seemed to have made him really appreciative. he was such a nice guy. i don't know too much about him and there probably isn't much that sets him apart from all the other nice guys who met unfortunate endings, but he's just so cute and sweet. his mannerisms in this video are so endearing. watching it makes me wish i could have a conversation with him and just hang out. i've never actually done that with anyone, i feel like i'm missing out.
i won't even pretend that i'm cool or grunge or punk or anything but i think it's important to end this post with a photo of the most beautiful man in history because i'm not sure how else to so...
i was unexpectedly nominated for the versatile blogger award by twodifferent people wow oh my gosh how exciting! :-) this makes me so happy aw i'd put it on my c.v if i was a really stupid nugget ha. okay so lovely rosie and lovely mabel nominated me and i'm so happy and this is nice aww. i'll put the rules at the bottom but basically i'm going to write some facts about myself ooh:
irl my vocabulary is literally as limited as you can see above but i do have some favourite words: serendipity, dainty, whimsical, quirky and tintinnabulation. words often get added to this though because i am indecisive (2 facts in 1 ooh la).
i'm becoming increasingly bad at everything. i have no idea what it is but i keep messing up in little things and big things but i can't really pinpoint it just because.
at lunchtimes i sometimes go all philosophical on my friend ruby (who i call ruby scooby dooby for no reason at all) and freak her out by telling her creepy stuff that i've seen on le internet that may or may not be true. for example, we have been dying since the moment we were born and everything is sort of a memory except for this present moment. idk how to explain it over the internet because i'm not eloquent oops.
i spend lots of time reading in the bath and i rarely use bubbles because i have no money to be buying bubble bath which i think is actually quite fun to play with because i can be very immature.
talking about myself really is one of my least favourite things, of which i have many, so this is quite horrible. i also ramble excessively and talk as if i'm unaware of punctuation so please excuse my typing and ignore the fact that i have just put two facts here lol.
i'm unsure of how i have gotten to number 6 on this list without mentioning anything even vaguely interesting but i often fantasize about becoming a hippie or living in some sort of community because life and its regulations really stress me out. i'm 14, why am i bugged by things like this? i don't understand the world at all but i feel as if i was exposed to it a bit too early and for crying out loud why are all these facts turning into essays??
when my bedroom is spotless it means my life is in order. my bedroom has been really messy for a couple of years now. deduct from this what you will...
writing this was extremely frustrating oh my god.
the rules are to nominate others for this but tbh that's effort and also most people seemed to have done it already. i'm so lazy lol if you want to write seven facts about yourself go ahead. i also have a little picture award thingy so if you want you can take it:
i was nominated twice so this pointless act of repeating the image is justified hehe.
these photos are so lovely and kind of eerie. i don't know what to make of today. in art we drew shells and when i put one to my ear my friend told me it wasn't the sea i could hear but the blood rushing through my ear. i feel like a little kid who's just been told santa doesn't exist. over the weekend i went to nando's but i feel like i didn't eat enough and i want to go back. we were driving around hackney yesterday, in north and east london, and i really love it there. i saw a guy and a girl who looked really punk and cool and the girl wore these amazing creepers with quite a high platform and i want them. the town houses there are also wonderful to look at and i was so fascinated by them and their mismatched, dirty colours and pretty roofs and arched windows, which i couldn't help but stare through.
i downloaded sea oleena's two albums from here the other day and now i'm going to listen to one of them and write a letter to my suicidal friend who has me worried really bad. i feel unstable and nothing's certain. i know it never was but now i'm terribly, almost painfully aware of it.
- t and i smoked shisha pens in the form room at school this morning and i felt sooo chill. they're hers and she had the strawberry one while i tried the apple one. they're like electric fruit flavoured 'cigarettes' that contain nothing harmful. they're really fun, i felt so cool when i had mine haha. i hadn't intended to try them, but she offered and i thought why not? i don't mind being experimental, and i don't like taking many things seriously. t made smoke rings and she looked like a fish when she did them. i'm not sure how i didn't swallow the smoke and die or anything haha. the way smoke floats and swirls really is the prettiest thing.
- it's raining today and quite windy. i wore my battered trainers to school and i keep looking out of windows and watching puddles grow. i love watching raindrops race down windows and merge, even though i always confuse which is which. my concentration is so bad.
- i ordered kurt cobain's journals and when i got home today it was here! i got a lot of other books too: girl with a pearl earring (my current read), submarine, girl interrupted, the language of flowers, sophie's choice, submarine, a certain age, schindler's list, dead poets' society and the kite runner. a lot of them i'll leave until the summer to read because they're so big and right now i'm not up to being so challenged. i just tried reading lolita then i got to page 241 and realised that it was starting to seem like gibberish so i've put it down for a bit. my english teacher has tried finishing it several times but she never can.
my idea of a chill day would be lying in a big tee shirt somewhere soft next to someone who won't be up for much of a conversation. occasionally our messy thoughts will dribble out of our mouths. it would be raining really heavily with the weeknd playing loudly (or quietly?) in the background and i'll be all drowsy and cutesy and falling in and out of sleep.
i feel like there's a black cloud hanging over me. it's not very big but it's raining. i didn't even notice the droplets at first, but now i've put my umbrella up. why is it getting heavier? the cloud is still small and i am small but the rain is getting heavier. it's pelting now and there's a bitter wind screeching at me, incoherent demons. the rain is icy fire burning holes into what i thought was a strong, protective umbrella. water is plopping through and the empty sky is darkening by the second and i can't find my way. am i even moving? the umbrella has melted and i am defenseless now. rain is seeping into my brain, i am made of paper. i throw the metal frame of the umbrella on the puddle ridden ground and it has smashed to smithereens. i am stupid and i am looking down and in slow motion the metal fragments are shooting up, blinding me. i can feel myself falling.
i don't want that to be how i'm feeling and it probably is quite an exaggeration (i've felt worse than this before) but i feel like writing something. we're doing creative writing in english and we had to make up a 6 word story today. i did 4:
brain is whirring. get me out.
are you sure that you exist?
gun is at my head. boom!
and i felt my body fall.
they aren't even related. and i am yet to find a 6 word story better than ernest hemingway's, which we looked at at school today. i had seen it before and that time it brought tears to my eyes:
i had a supply teacher in r.s today. he was very interesting. we were looking at evolution biology creation sciencey stuff that i don't know much about. i think the bitter wind has frozen my brain because it's so difficult to concentrate on anything right now. i didn't do any actual work in the lesson, but i did listen to mr. teacher man when he spoke. he is greek and his warm voice is so lovely and slightly accented. sometimes he speaks quietly and you feel to hang on to his every word. i found his opinions intriguing and i wanted to sit with him by a fire and hear all he had to say about stuff he knew. people's thoughts are amazing.
it was kind of random but he told us about carl jung's theory about the collective unconscious. i can't remember exactly what he said, but it was something about every living thing being connected by our unconsciousness. apparently this isn't a very popular theory among educated circles or something like that, but i think it makes sense?? mr. teacher man said it's because the world came from one single speck or something (i really don't understand the big bang theory, nobody has ever really explained it to me) so if we all came from that we must all be somehow connected. that's interesting. :-) i like the idea of being connected unconsciously to the trees standing both tall and tiny on our horizons, the delicate flowers brightening up dull roadsides and decorating cute cottages, the forest animals roaming and hunting in the night. i watched this video this morning before school and it's refreshing to think that we could be connected to nature that is so tranquil. psychology and sociology and things like that interest me a great deal, i want to learn about them in depth someday. there's this really intelligent guy called george the poet who is, um, a poet and i've listened to a couple of them. he's really intelligent, he studies politics, psychology and sociology at cambridge and i want to do that. i also want to do english literature?? anyway, here's a poem by him (he's more of a spoken word artist so reading his work on paper would have a different effect):
i think artists are some of the greatest people out there, especially because there are so many different forms of it and they all can touch you in different ways. i would love to be an artist, except i don't seem to have much talent ha. i've become interested in poetry lately, but i'm not so great at understanding it and i wonder if i am unintelligent. i think the fact that i appreciate it is important enough though. and early cinema seems interesting, particularly after i watched this and this. can't i just take a break from this conventional learning thing called school and listen to people talk and converse with them and do stuff? the following video is really relatable (i think??) and quotable, so rather than list a lot of words i'll just post it ha.
i don't know what's wrong with me today, i always get like this in wintry weather, but i'm either really angry or sad a lot of the time. this whole cheerful thing isn't working out quite well so i'll just let this, whatever it is, pass rather than fill myself with false hope. i listened to violet this morning and the line when i get what i want i never want it again has been stuck in my head all day.
i'll try to be cheerful this week. yesterday i fell in love with james franco so that should keep me going hehe. i love the colours in these photos, i think they should suit this time of year but it feels like winter right now. spring is on it's way but things are still kind of faded. reality is very grey so it's up to me to brighten my own world. it snowed in short, fast flurries several times today, on and off. last week i saw two closed daffodils then a couple of days later they had blossomed slightly and there were tiny raindrops on the tender petals. it was so pretty and so is sunday girl by blondie:
dusk. thorn. luna. just look at these badass chicks.
i have always loved scooby doo. the older ones are definitely the best and the films are amazing, the witch's ghost being my most favourite. i honestly don't even remember it that much but i do remember the hex girls. they just seemed so strong and cool and really stylish to me and they still do. this morning i woke up and ate chocolate and watched an episode of scooby. i wanted to see another one but my dad laughed at me and turned football on instead. -.-
the dresses these girls wore were so sexy and elegant. the image of the hex girls was witchy and vampy at the same time, which i find so amazing. i've always preferred witches to vampires (or anything really, except maybe mermaids) so it was kind of cool to find out that thorn is a real wiccan.
on the left is dusk the drummer. her signature colour is green. i like her choker and eyeliner. thorn, the lead singer and guitarist, signature colour being red, stands in the middle. i always thought she was the coolest. i like her sleeve things. on the right we have luna the purple keyboardist. her expression is like a cheeky bitchface i think. her hair is obviously the best and her outfit is my favourite. did you notice their two toned lips? i think that's so interesting aha.
i do wonder if the hex girls were my first unconscious inspiration behind my dream of being in a girl band, if that makes sense. a long, long time after them and now hole is who i want to be (because obviously i, one person, can be one whole band, yes). anyway, this video is of the hex girls singing and the animations are on point. thorn has amazing eyebrows and the fake moon just looks wonderful hehe. now i shall poof!
this week has been a succession of me humiliating myself and being embarrassing and embarrassed and making quite stupid mistakes really. of course i felt ridiculously mortified in these moments but i would always laugh. i find it so easy to laugh at myself and it's getting easier to not beat myself up about things. i still do occasionally but i guess it's okay, i've long since accepted that i'm not perfect. i used to pray that jesus would make me perfect but i'm not 9 and friendless anymore hehe.
i was sitting in maths the other day and wondering why the words 'wrong' and 'mistake' are so feared almost? people are embarrassed by even the littlest, most insignificant things - even me. sometimes my heart skips when i trip over my feet (a daily occurrence lol) and there's a tightness in my throat, i think 'oh god, i hope nobody saw that'. it's kind of silly though because the people that would've seen are also people that have these insecure moments. it's a strange comfort to know that you aren't alone in messing up.
this post was inspired by two occasions this week: this afternoon i was first to perform my drama monologue and it went horribly wrong oh my god, i forgot half of it and i literally froze and kept shaking my head lol. i think my whole class hates me because the other occasion was in p.e the other day when we played bench ball, and i was always the last to throw a ball successfully and i made us lose once (my class is severely competitive and i'm lazy and uninterested in physical activity). haha i don't mean to be such an incompetent, inadequate nincompoop - i just am!
"i used to think i was the strangest person in the world but then i thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways i do. i would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. well, i hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true i'm here, and i'm just as strange as you." - frida kahlo.
i spent christmas day last year looking at her paintings on my cousin's ipad (source)
azealia banks is one of my favourite people right now. she's really outspoken so people find her provocative, controversial and bitchy. you don't get that very often with celebrities so i respect her. that would probably sound crazy to someone who really dislikes her, especially after the offensive twitter fights she's had with perez hilton, but i'd say her music, appearance and even thoughts are quite original. on february 1st she tweeted a little something that i really liked:
"mental cleansing. it's always good to do that. our crazy instantaneous lives add A LOT of crust over the third eye. i would love for the internet to shut down for six months... just to see if we can still remember all the shit we forgot as animals. it'd be some real, primal, survival of the fittest shit... the animal kingdom would regulate itself. but we're the scum of the earth... we do nothing but destroy it. the earth will reject us soon."
it sounds kind of creepy but then again it's so true. the western world has become so dependent on technology and it's like we've forgotten that we're animals. azealia is so intelligent and i feel like the media only picks up on her flaws and highlights her mistakes. it really sucks but i think she's talented so whatever. in her song fierce (which she honestly is) there's a lyric that goes: my only bad habit, my addiction to win.
i recite in the raw the appetite for life and the hunger for the more
this is the video for 1991 by azealia banks and it's so cool. i love that purple lipstick she's wearing, it goes so well with her complexion. i think it's the same one she designed for mac cosmetics called yung rapunxel, which is the absolute coolest name for anything ever. she also wears a lot of black in the video; there's sunglasses, shoe-boot things, a glove and a sexy, stylish suit. i think her killer red nails, the fish bowl and the dancing top everything off.
azealia's image in this music video for atlantis really is fabulous. in the beginning she's has on a crop top and these shiny pinky-purple trousers that i love. there's also this kaftan-cardigany thing she wears, it's so pretty. her green weave and what i think is indian-inspired jewellery (the nose ring/chain, the bindi and jewels above her eyebrows) look amazing on her and the digital effects are great too, particularly when she's in the shark's mouth haha. azealia also rides a dolphin, comes out of a clam, gets chased by a shark and jellyfish and there are volcanoes. the video is so colourful and spacey and sea-themed, i love it.
could i even mention azealia without talking about her weave? haha she's so crazy, she goes for about 30 inches most of the time. black hair suits her well but of the colourful ones, purple is my favourite. one day i'd like to get a weave done similar to one of azealia's.
today was kind of hard but these pictures are so nice and nice things make me go kind of weak. i wish i was one of the people who got a balloon today, maybe with a smiley face drawn on - i needed that. i was one of the people who said 'i love you' today so that's kind of nice. i need to get rid of my moody monday mentality somehow.
i have noticed a deep sense of nostalgia in loads of people lately. i think i can understand it because it seems to be the thing right now to be interested in old music and dress like people used to, but i'm not sure i can really relate. i honestly think that the 'olden days' were quite cool but i don't want to get stuck in my head in an imaginary past i never quite understood. that might not make sense, but i mean that living today, even if someone doesn't watch the news, you're always at least vaguely aware of what is going on around you and in the world; what you can have access to; what it really feels like to be living on the earth at this current moment. there were so many problems in the past and i don't quite know what they are, but i wonder if many other people do. they might look back at a certain decade and think of the fashion or the music or the films, and they want to go back to that time, but maybe they would have struggled in that society and not have been able to be as self expressive as we can be today.
tavi's pretty doodle: twiggy. woodstock, the beatles, breakfast at tiffany's, hippies and other lovely jubby stuff
tavi gevinson really is a queen in my eyes, and i found this post she wrote about the 21st century not being so bad to be really enriching. points 11 - 13 are no doubt my favourites. this video is also really thought provoking, i especially love what this youtuber says about lana del rey. ;-) i'm happy to be here in 2013 because there is such a wide range of music around me and i can listen to older stuff if i want to and appreciate those artists. there is rookie magazine that teaches me so much about feminism, the world and current issues. it inspires me to be creative too. google and youtube and social networking and just the internet in general can all be really helpful and without them i bet it would be so strange and much harder to find things out. there are some films and t.v programmes that i think show some problems about times in the past:
1910s/20s: downton abbey - i absolutely love period dramas and downton abbey is one of my favourites. maggie smith completely tops it off, but it also teaches you a lot about how society was back then. for example, when lady sybil - a rich girl, my favourite - was looked down upon for wanting to be a nurse, marrying the chauffer and getting involved in politics.
1960s: ginger & rosa - i really want to see this film. it's got elle fanning in it. it's about two teenage best friends living in london who get involved in protests and talk about religion and politics and all this very important stuff, but they also have lots of rebellious fun together. there are other issues and it's probably a coming of age film. there's a great summary of it here.
1990s:my so-called life - i recently finished watching this american programme starring claire danes and jared leto. in the later episodes, we find out that one of the characters, ricky, is homeless and it's really emotional to watch what he goes through and how hard it is for people to understand it. ricky is also homosexual and back in 1994 that wasn't easy to be open about. another character, rayanne (my fave), almost overdoses on drugs and has an issue with alcohol. she's only 15 and in the 90s i think quite a few american teens experienced that kind of thing. i first read about it in ballads of suburbia by stephanie kuehnert who writes for rookie and it really shocked me.
of course good things happened back then and bad things still happen now, but it's so much easier to be who you are nowadays and i think (hope) the world is moving forward. :-)
"i wish people would learn the difference between "OMG i want to live in the 50s!! i was born in the wrong era" and "i appreciate the vintage aesthetic and wish it was easy and commonplace to adopt that kind of style in today's world ." because as much as i love pompadours and winged eyeliner, i also love having rights." - how relevant. i found this on hollie's blog.
my school only has one drama teacher and it's been this way for years. she told us in lesson today that she went to see nirvana at reading festival in 1992!! this was really unexpected. i guess i prejudged her by her appearance without even realising?? every day she wears a black skirt, cardigan, jacket and shoes with a colourful scarf to accessorise and that's the image everybody is used to her having. anyway, she was telling us about really interesting performances that students have done in the past regarding the practical exam we have next week. i noticed for the first time today how her eyes are very tiny, but when she opens them wide then they are either a brilliantly clear sea green, almost turquoise, or as blue as the bare sky on a cold, sunny day. her skin is very smooth despite the lines in her face (she's 47 and always refers to herself as 'very old') and she has a fringe and short bushy brown hair that looks kind of washed out and grey. she is one of the strictest teachers at the school i attend but i have grown to really like her - she softens over the years haha. i remember one time i was helping at something after school a few months ago, and when the sun was setting she pointed out how pretty and pink it was. it really made me smile and the way her face lit up isn't something i'd like to forget. drama isn't one of my favourite subjects as i can be quite shy, but it does give you valuable skills and i like that it's taught so differently to other lessons. desks and chairs and pens and books bore me so much and sometimes i feel like school is turning me into a robot.
this picture and the one above are from google images :-)
but teacher annoyed me today. there's a girl in most of my lessons (laura) who doesn't smile much. she was late to our lesson which was in a classroom today, and when she sat down she was apparently acting 'stroppy' and giving attitude. teacher then sort of mocked her and said 'smile' really sarcastically. i thought of kristen stewart (who is talented, amazing and beautiful) when laura fake smiled back for literally a second. it's okay to not smile because that gets tiring and mightn't be an accurate representation of what you may feel. it also isn't the default human expression so i don't know why people always want to see it. of course smiles can be beautiful, but that isn't the point. i read this very great article. i think everybody should because it supports kristen stewart in a voice that is often unheard and i love it.
it's my brother's 6th birthday and i rarely do homework on fridays so now i'm going to watch nirvana videos of when they played at reading.
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