today

- t and i smoked shisha pens in the form room at school this morning and i felt sooo chill. they're hers and she had the strawberry one while i tried the apple one. they're like electric fruit flavoured 'cigarettes' that contain nothing harmful. they're really fun, i felt so cool when i had mine haha. i hadn't intended to try them, but she offered and i thought why not? i don't mind being experimental, and i don't like taking many things seriously. t made smoke rings and she looked like a fish when she did them. i'm not sure how i didn't swallow the smoke and die or anything haha. the way smoke floats and swirls really is the prettiest thing.

- it's raining today and quite windy. i wore my battered trainers to school and i keep looking out of windows and watching puddles grow. i love watching raindrops race down windows and merge, even though i always confuse which is which. my concentration is so bad.

- i ordered kurt cobain's journals and when i got home today it was here! i got a lot of other books too: girl with a pearl earring (my current read), submarine, girl interrupted, the language of flowers, sophie's choice, submarine, a certain age, schindler's list, dead poets' society and the kite runner. a lot of them i'll leave until the summer to read because they're so big and right now i'm not up to being so challenged. i just tried reading lolita then i got to page 241 and realised that it was starting to seem like gibberish so i've put it down for a bit. my english teacher has tried finishing it several times but she never can.

my idea of a chill day would be lying in a big tee shirt somewhere soft next to someone who won't be up for much of a conversation. occasionally our messy thoughts will dribble out of our mouths. it would be raining really heavily with the weeknd playing loudly (or quietly?) in the background and i'll be all drowsy and cutesy and falling in and out of sleep.